Okay, so maybe this is something that people in their 20s already do, and I'm just a late bloomer. Either way, people should be talking about this more because I was totally unprepared for it.
How it happened: I would use Nair off and on for that....area. But then I started to worry that Nair could be bad for me. I mean, what if it penetrated through my skin and disintegrated my pelvic bones, and then I'd be unable to walk and my butt would be mushy and.....you get the idea.
So I started looking around for a healthier option. Well, actually I started looking for the cheapest option. In theory, laser hair removal would be the cheapest procedure if I invested in a greater upfront cost. Then I started wondering what the side effects of a laser might be, which I might add are used to kill people in movies. Would I be able to shoot lasers from my...area? Sort of a twisted Spider Man thing? I started internetting around and found out that it can hurt. Bad. And there could be rashes. And there was NO GUARANTEE that it would actually remove the hair. My mind was so filled with WTF-ery, that I decided never to revisit the concept of laser hair removal.
The cheapest option I could find was waxing. I used to get my eye brows waxed. That wasn't so bad. And it was on my face. It couldn't be worse if I already did it on the most sensitive part of my body, right? So I made an appointment for a bikini wax.
Actually, it was more like I showed up to a place that offers it, swung the door open and announced to everyone that I was in need of a bikini wax. At this point, the embarrassment should have been enough to make me turn and leave. But it didn't. They put me in this thing that bordered on a very wide thong and paper towel underwear. Thank God there was no mirror.
But that's when the waxing happened. I've blocked most of it out, but I may have bitten off a piece of my tongue to stop myself from screaming on the first rip. The lady doing this whole thing laughed and said the first time is always hard. I stared at her in stunned horror. How could this be funny to her? I nearly died on the first (and only) time. What was bikini waxing? Some sort of disguised torture? Was this invented by men?
G.W. Bush should have skipped the water boarding, and just started waxing terrorists'...area. The war would have been over in a matter of days: "Where's Bin Laden?" "I'll never tell!" Kccchht! "Oh God, NO! Okay, okay I'll tell you; just don't wax my...[area]...anymore!"
I've also come up with a slogan for the next war to recruit women into the armed forces:
If you can survive a bikini wax, well hell, you can survive nuclear warfare!
