How it happened: I have lost weight again, and have one pair of jeans to work with, which would be fine if they weren't stone washed and several inches too long. As a woman, owning one pair of jeans, much like shoes, isn't socially acceptable. Women are expected to have different washes and fits for all occasions. With shoes, we need a whole mess of toe-mangling styles. Different variations in heels and color are necessary in order to avoid being judged by other women. I'm sorry, men, if you thought women dressed up for you. Fashion is merely a nonviolent form of exerting dominance.
Anyway, back to jeans. I think there are days I would rather have my legs burned off than shop for new jeans. For women, like me, jeans shopping is painful and exhausting. The only time it wouldn't be troubling is if you were a size 6 and 5'7" tall. Seriously, the only time. But I am not a size six or seven inches taller than five feet. In fact, I'm lucky I am five feet at all. When I shop for jeans, it takes weeks, possibly months. I cannot consider online shopping, because they most likely will not fit. Deep down I believe that jeans are made by the cattiest women in the world, "That bitch will never fit into these!"
After three to four days of looking, I might be able to find a pair in a wash and cut that looks presentable. They will almost always be a light wash boot cut jean from Gap. But they clear the checklist:
- Doesn't make me look like a beached whale
- Doesn't make my butt look like it has the curves of a 2" x 4".
- Doesn't make my butt look like a kid's cheeks when they hold their breath under water.
- Doesn't make my thighs look like sausages or stilts.
- Doesn't cause a rash on my waist because I have an deformed hip and stomach region.
- Doesn't look like I am waiting for a flood.
- Doesn't look like I've had my feet chopped off.
- Doesn't self destruct and leave me making the dream where I'm not wearing any pants come true.
- Doesn't make me look like I'm 14, and an idiot.
- Doesn't make me look like I'm wearing the jeans women in the 90s wore.
This is the critical part. Do not lose the jeans. I have to keep them with me, shoot someone if they try to take them away. I James Bond my way to the check out.
So now I've got one pair. Start the process all over. Repeat three more times.
